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What not to say.

Things not to say when a loved one is going through a tough time/diagnosis/remission/loss:


1.) Look On the another hand, Bright side. People are not stupid. We know there is a bright side; however, we may not be ready for it yet. For someone, only seeing the excellent possibility can discredit the hurt, worry, and scary emotions one is going through now. The it will all be okay. No, sometimes it will not. Or only responding to the positive in the conversation while the elephant is still in the room. “Oh, at least you have a good doctor.”


2.) Do not say “call me and let me know if I can help.” This is my pet peeve. Most people in a crisis cannot do anything past the moment. They are trying to get through the day, the hour, the minute. Do not add another item to there to accomplish list. Send dinner. Drop off groceries. Watch their kids. Hire a maid. Please hug them. Or listen, no listen without your input judgements on or advice. Do not solve their problems even if they tell you 20 dilemmas. Just listen. Be present. Put your phone away. The world will be okay.


3.) Do not compare your experience to theirs. It is not the same at all. Everyone handles grief differently, and every relationship is like an onion. Just bite your tongue.


4.) Don't say anything to diminish the pain circumstance regardless of how long it's been since they’ve seen that person or how long ago the relationship was. Pain is pain.


5.) Please do not avoid them because you do not know what to say and feel uncomfortable. This nonetheless is so common and the most significant reaction most do. I have lost so many friends this way.

Most do not need words or, nonetheless, the right words, just a hello or smile-maybe a hug. Please do not ignore them.


6.) “Part of God’s plan” could be the worst thing you can say or another is the I guess that is fate. Even if it is, do not say it. It is not the time. Just don't.


7.) Do not laugh it off, regardless of how silly. Stupid, insignificant of a loss may be, it may be a trivial thing to you BUT to that someone it is a home, a job, a loss of some kind, hurt and that person is reaching out to you because it is important to them and YOU are important to them. Do not let them down. The feeling of being abandoned is a hard rejection to forgive.


8.) Do not comment on their appearance or home cleanliness. Chances are-THEY KNOW! They are doing the best they can hanging on my a string.


9.) Just because they are not talking to you about their diagnosis or illness or loss doesn't mean they are over it. Ask how they are? If they want to talk?


10.) Do not wait to reach out. Someone you care about is suffering. Reach out and tell them you are thinking about them. Pain can be very isolating. Having friend care can mean the world.


11.) Find your own way to show you care.


12.) Do not send photos or headlines, or tags on Facebook on the subject. This can be a massive trigger for that person.


13.) Do not give out your medical diagnosis Or opinion unless you're a world-famous doctor with more degrees than any other.


14.) Give a little continuously and randomly

Send texts or calls that you are thinking of them for no reason at all. After the shock of it, most people move on. Don’t be that person. Be the friend who sends messages stating thinking of you when the person steps into the 5th treatment or therapy. Diagnosis, grief, and pain can be incredibly isolating; authentic friends push through the discomfort to show up for you to prove they care about you.


15.) Make it lighthearted

Aim to make them smile or laugh. It doesn't have to be so significant 24/7. Joke. Laugh. Smile for no reason.


How about you? Any Others to add?

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